Fiend Like Me

Tune in to your favourite station
Peruse any news publication
See the state of the states and nations
Corporations, inflation, invasions
Well, I say that they could take some
Intercontinental consolidation
One flag emblazoned with my face on
And I don’t plan on an application

Introducing villainy squared
Just your standard reclusive trillionaire
With a maniacal air and a violent flare
Vibrant tyrant enshrined in a stylish chair
You can find me there on my island lair
Where the sirens blare as I stride in striking fear
With the slightest glare, I'm not fighting fair
Step aside for the frightful heir

So you’d better get to polishing your white flags
I’ve a plethora of monuments to hijack
Shrink the senate, use the columns as a spice rack
And enveloping the commons in a flytrap

Minions all over my map
Turn your dominion into a nice back-
Yard for my kingdom
Your income might lapse
Might have to squint at the price
On the ransom price tag

You know, I’ve just realised
This dotted line around the globe is supposed to be the equator
I always thought of it as more of a cut here

If all the world’s a stage
Then I shall play my part
You may say it’s cliché
But I say it’s an art
Every deck needs a knave
To come and stack the cards
The world may be yours to save
But it’s mine to tear apart

One button’s all it takes
To set the earth a-quaking
Or is the world afraid
And the planet started shaking?
You’d need tectonic plates
To serve the schemes I'm baking
And the menu for today
Is some world domination

I'm the meanest genius scheme unfurler
Genus steeped in burglars, murderers
Fiend Weekly’s champ moustache twirler
I cheated, I used curlers

Yes my amusements bamboozle
A glamorous ruse to confuse all
Your plans to tamper and snoop
You’re delusional

Can’t see no scheme whilst you’re schmoozing my valets
Casino screen obscures my base
So if you don’t want a day to rue let’s
Just play some roulette, forget the backstage

But if you do sleuth through to my sanctum
I’ve a few new tools here to have fun
Like a tank full of man-eating plankton
Or a smooth henchman with a handgun

So whilst I'm busy dislodging Norway
You’ll spend all day dodging my sawblades
Raising my pinball scoresheet
Freak in the broadsheets, Rube Goldberg in the hallways

Stay between the laser beams
You still won’t make it face-to-face with me
Your agency just paid you to take
A vacation in my interrogation seat

One wrong step in my bullion vaults
And you’re gonna be met with a billion volts
But if you do pocket any ill-gotten profits
Then I’ll dock it via rocket from the minion at fault

My management skills are uniquely stirring
When lacking in diligent measly servants
Having one killed with the team observing
Works magic on building the weak’s subservience

See, I think I’d make a perfect leader. I'm very hands-on
And by that, I mean my hand’s on this big red button
That may or may not do something terrible to the Moon’s gravity
Don’t worry, I’ll write you a lovely orbit-uary

If all the world’s a stage
Then I shall play my part
You may say it’s cliché
But I say it’s an art
Every deck needs a knave
To come and stack the cards
The world may be yours to save
But it’s mine to tear apart

You secretly live below
My laser-mounted space station
You may need to think it over
But if I get bored of waiting
I’ll be beaming tic-tac-toe
Between the borders of your nations
Want to keep the Swiss Plateau?
Then give me world domination

I’ve minions poised and entrapped informers
Villains exploiting the map’s four corners
Off to deploy my outlandish orders
Warrants are void. International waters

If I steal her bling, do I have to wait
For the Queen of England to abdicate?
Shrink rays are aimed, so why raze the place?
Turn your famed locations to paperweights

Now your monument’s stored in a portable size
Does my offer seem more of an affordable price?
Your democracy’s nice but you ought to comply
Or I’ll alter your mind via the water supply

Reports coming live of some sort of device
That authorities describe as an orb in the sky
It’s absorbing the light and distorting the ice
‘Till your tenth story penthouse is caught in the tide

The Forces of Justice ought to give up
‘Fore I bore through the crust and get awfully destructive
Force down your government’s doors then I’ll bust in
Awesomely scored by a chorus of trumpets

Rulers you foolishly trust to prevent
My ascent just uselessly buckle and bend
If your throne ever feels too comfortable then
Remember all good things come to an end

If all the world’s a stage
Then I shall play my part
You may say it’s cliché
But I say it’s an art
Every deck needs a knave
To come and stack the cards
The world may be yours to save
But it’s mine to tear apart

That stylish new telephone
Home appliance sensation
Rewrites your genetic code
Every time the tone is playing
So I'm sure to get your vote
For my new administration
Detonator’s set to blow
For some world domination

It’s too late to stop me
By now the laser dolphins are in position
And every world leader at the beachside
Peace summit and barbeque has been incinerated
I’ll be sure to notify their next of fin

Oh, that was good, somebody write that down